Brave New World

This essay is about autism, so bear with me through the roundabout introduction. Disclaimer: while I make a lot of general claims about people with ASD, I can really only speak about my own experiences, and then only in confused and broken sentences.

From my freshman to my senior year in high school I was on the Scholastic Bowl team. If you are unaware of what this is, because you spent your youth doing cool stuff like playing actual sports or making out in cars, I will explain. Scholastic Bowl is a varsity competition for nerds, where two teams of four players represent their schools by being the first to buzz in and correctly answer questions posed by a moderator, quiz-show-style. It’s basically “University Challenge” from that one episode of The Young Ones. It purports to be a measure of academic knowledge, but the questions are pretty much bar trivia about the humanities and STEM.

This was a game that was basically made for teenaged John, and it’s not hyperbole to say that I pretty much carried my team: I answered around 80% of the questions and usually buzzed in early—that is, before the moderator was done reading the question. It’s not that I was smarter than my teammates, it’s that I had weirdly eclectic interests and an ability to retrieve facts from my memory with speed and precision (I have lost this skill in middle age).

For an activity that took up so much of my teen years, I recall no specific matches, but there was one question, and my answer, that I remember lucidly. It was toward the end of a match that was nearly tied, and the score was making me tense and focused. The moderator asked the toss-up, “who wrote the New World Symphony?”

I buzzed in immediately and responded, “Dvořák.”

The moderator looked confused and peered down at his question card. “Could you repeat that?” he said.

“Dvořák,” I repeated.

He examined the card a few seconds more and then said, “I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Would the other team like to respond—”

I loudly interrupted: “Is that spelled dee vee oh, ar-with-a-caron ay-with-an-accent, kay?”

Everyone in the room was taken aback; a student reprimanding a moderator was a completely out of order. “Because that’s pronounced duhVORzyahk. It sounds like it has a Z, but it doesn’t, so you must be reading it incorrectly.”

I suddenly realized that my coaches and teammates were staring at me like I had done something wrong, so I added in a softer voice, “because it’s a Czech name…”

Strangely, while this exchange is etched in my memory, I don’t actually remember whether we got the ten points for a toss-up or not.


I tell this anecdote neither to flex about what a precocious kid I was, nor to admit that I was an incorrigible smartass (both of these are true). My point here is to illustrate the way that autistic people’s minds work. We tend not to pay attention to authority. We are very committed to the idea of truth; we are also committed to the idea of justice—these two positions are intertwined. This insistence can (and does) lead to black and white thinking about things that aren’t black and white, but it also means a belief and fealty to objective truth and fairness.

I don’t mean to imply that autistic people can’t prevaricate. There’s a popular truism that ASD renders one incapable of lying; this is ridiculous and implies that we are a fantastical race of fairy children, magically bound to speak truth. It’s more accurate to say that we aren’t willing to lie for the sake of politeness or to make someone feel better. If someone asks me how I’m doing, or if I like their haircut, I’m going to tell them, even if they really weren’t looking for a straight answer. It would feel inauthentic to do otherwise.

Likewise, an autistic heightened concern for fairness—what psychologists call justice sensitivity—is also tied to our sense of integrity. Good faith and equal treatment matter a lot. At its best, justice sensitivity motivates care for others and the questioning of social conventions. However, it can also lead to a rigid and judgmental outlook, and when this is paired with an indifference towards hierarchy, the outcome is know-it-all punks like me ill-advisedly sassing the very people who give out the points.

But, to be fair, the New World Symphony really was written by Dvořák.

A hill of beans

If one can set aside the many, many ethical issues involving AI art, the question remains for its detractors (like me): what exactly do its proponents see in it? It’s certainly gotten “better,” in the sense that the people in the images now usually have the right number of fingers, and any text isn’t a garbled mess of ersatz letters, and there are fewer instances of what H.P. Lovecraft would call non-Euclidean architecture. But for me at least, the more accurate AI gets, the less it appeals. In the early days of DALL-E and Midjourney, when we were all stuck at home in the midst of a pandemic, typing silly prompts and getting smudgy blurs in response was a lark. Like the joke about the dog who could only type 20 words a minute, the remarkable thing was that it worked at all, not that it was any good. But today, when I prompt Chat GPT with “patriotic American family with a boy and a girl and a dog watching TV,” the elaborate tableau generated is so on the nose, and yet so soulless and dead-eyed (see below), that it renders all the state-of-the-art computation (and the presumably extravagant energy use) irrelevant. All the figures face forward and arranged using strict isocephaly; the virtual canvas is arranged with horror vacui that makes Where’s Waldo look open and airy.

chat gpt
Chat GPT image from my prompt (this is the first, and I hope the last, time I will ever use generative AI)

There have been a lot of think pieces about the politics of AI art, from claims that it’s beloved by fascists, to the counter belief that it’s a great democratizer. It does seem to have a particular home on social media, Facebook especially, where AI’s prosaic manner lends itself to oversimplification, cliché, and moralism. When you don’t have to do the work of actually visualizing what you’re saying, you don’t have to make sure your ideas make sense and that your facts are, well, facts. Part of the process of creation is realizing that your visual problems may actually be conceptual problems. Similarly, viewers looking for confirmation of their own beliefs are more easily swayed by images that have the veneer of reality. Or they might just accept them as real.

Whatever the politics, it’s this effortless, cut-and-dried nature of AI that makes it so tedious. Allow me to make another one of my patented far-fetched analogies. In the mid 90’s, during the heyday of Microsoft Office, clip art was everywhere, and the most overused clip arts of all were the Screen Beans, a series of bulbous human-shaped silhouettes doing things, or more commonly, reacting to things. These illustrations were designed by Cathy Belleville and licensed to Microsoft for distribution with Office in 1995. They depicted poses that were purposefully vague, so that they could be used in any situation; however, that vagueness also drained them of any meaningful content or personality.

But, boy howdy, they got used. In Powerpoint presentations, yes, but also in church bake sale signs and guitar lesson flyers and passive aggressive notes reminding people to pay into the coffee fund. This was before most people had Internet access so it all got printed on the sly using the office laser printer. So many trees gave their lives for the millions of reams of 20 lb. copy paper that were emblazoned with a screen bean jumping in the air or scratching its head in bewilderment. But for all the ubiquity of these inky nebbishes, they never really gave the texts they accompanied any new information.

those unavoidable Screen Beans

So why do these generic, overused illustrations remind me of AI art, which is supposed to be bespoke to the user prompt? Both are art for people who really don’t care about art. They are perfunctory nods in the direction of art employed by people who lack the skills, funds, or interest to do better. Clip art, like AI, was presented as a democratic form bringing design to the masses. Why limit art production to people who spent their lives developing a skill, who expect to be paid for what they do? This will do instead. But to paraphrase Johnson, “what is drawn without effort is in general viewed without pleasure.”

The history of art has been the history of its production and distribution. When books had to be written by the few who were literate and copied painstakingly by hand, there were few books, but they were highly valued by writer and reader alike. Similarly, music production once required musicians who had invested years into their craft, as well as had access to instruments or could make their own. Listening required finding these musicians, organizing them, and gathering an audience. Painters had to apprentice with masters in their workshops; they had to know how to mix linseed oil or tempera with rare pigments. As people learned ways to mass produce their tools, to replicate their creations, and to widely disseminate the results, the arts changed. And this was a good thing, because it meant greater access for art lovers, a lower bar to entry for potential artists, and less cost for everyone. Technology in this case really was democratizing. But up until now, however it was made, the creation of art had to be intentional, and took time and practice.

This is what’s lost when effort is eliminated. Whether you mine your own cobalt to mix your own paint or you draw in digital media on a tablet, the effort is the art: not just the act of creating, but your motives, your lived experiences, and your personal aesthetics are the ultimate media of your work. Likewise, the effort an audience brings to close attention, to interpretation, to contextualization—that’s the other half of art. And if we give the production over to machines, we may as well design an AI to enjoy it.

I never thought leopard dogs would eat my face

When my wife and I were first thinking of adopting a dog a few years ago, we spent a while considering the breed. We went back and forth on size preferences, how active a pup we could handle, etc. Eventually Marina started looking for a German Shepherd, based on her warm memories of a half-Shepherd her grandparents had when she was a girl. When she found an adoption posting for our dog Hunter (whom I’ve mentioned before), it was love at first sight.

Hunter
Hunter and his amazing ears (photo by me)

Because of the anonymity of the adoption process, we didn’t know anything of Hunter’s origins beyond his obvious resemblance to a black and tan Shepherd. It was also pretty clear that there was at least one other breed in there somewhere, if only because of his half-pointy, half-floppy ears that resemble bat wings when he perks them up. Eventually our curiosity got to us and so we paid for genetic testing. When we got the analysis, we learned we were proud owners of a 50-50 mix of German Shepherd and Catahoula Leopard Dog.

catahoula
A Catahoula Leopard Dog (Wikimedia Commons)

What’s a Catahoula Leopard Dog? you might ask. I mean, that’s what Marina and I asked; we had never heard of such a thing—we had to Google. The Catahoula Leopard Dog, a.k.a the Catahoula Hog Dog, a.k.a the Louisiana Catahoula Cur, or (simply) a.k.a. the Catahoula, is the state dog of Louisiana. It’s a breed that dates to the 18th century, when French settlers in the Mississippi basin crossbred their own Beauceron dog with Native American dogs, making a delicious creole canine gumbo. The resultant breed was a dog that was smaller and faster than the Beauceron, and well-adapted to hunting in swamps (they even have webbed paws). Catahoula were (and still are) used to hunt wild boar, and while I’m no hunter myself, I have to admit that’s pretty badass. They get the “leopard” part of their name from the fact that most (but not all) have an irregular patchwork of large and small spots. Some are white, some are brown, some are black, some are a bluish gray. They tend towards medium-large (65–75 pounds) and have floppy ears and soulful eyes, although to be fair, all dogs have those.

dogs
A sampler of the many Catahoula color schemes
(collage of images from Wikimedia Commons)

Knowing Hunter’s genetics explained a lot about his idiosyncratic behaviors. When outdoors, he likes to range far from us, intent on flushing out rabbits and squirrels. When he trees the latter, he expectantly summons us, presumably to shoot the poor critter down. Indoors, however, he is docile and cuddly, and he hates when anyone leaves the room and tries to herd us together—a Hog Dog in the streets and a Shepherd in the sheets. But home life is not all snuggles and pets: at home, he goes into watchdog mode, staring intently out our front window, barking clamorous epithets at anyone passing within 30 yards of the house.

They also serve, who only stand and wait

The Catahoula in Hunter goes beyond his behavior. While his coloration is Shepherd, his build is almost entirely Catahoula, from his attenuated, deer-like legs to his barrel chest. And when he gets wet, you can see through the slicked-down fur the distinctive spots on the skin below.

spots
Hunter’s hidden spots (another photo by me)

Our adoption papers say that Hunter was born in Massachusetts. We will probably never know how or why his parents were bred together; perhaps his mix is a sought-after one? I imagine many people would want a Shepha-loua; ours is certainly a very good boy (although again, all dogs are).

To end this essay on a jarringly different note (it’s a bad habit of mine): Since New England has no boar to offer, I have spent a not-insignificant amount of time watching YouTube videos about Catahoulas, trying to learn what activities and training might be appropriate for our dog. A lot of the videos are specifically about training your puppy to hunt. Many are silly domestic videos about the odd sounds the dogs make when irritated, or other creative ways they express dissatisfaction. And some are about how the breed requires careful training lest they become dangerous. Among these, I found some curious AI-produced shorts that present a large language fever dream of a “leopard dog” which might be at home in one of Tim Burton’s later films (you know, the bad ones). These videos, while hilarious, are a puzzle to me. What series of events led to their creation? Was there a human who holds a grudge against Catahoulas that dictated these to Nano Banana? Were they part of a larger AI project tasked with producing a video about every American Kennel Club breed? Were any humans involved at all? These hallucinatory vignettes are a cautionary tale, less for their warning regarding the breed, and more for their illustration of just how froot-loops bonkers artificial intelligence can be.

what
For when you gaze long into the leopard dog, the leopard dog gazes also into you