Butcher one’s own Hartebeest using only a penknife and pocket-comb
Hand-roll the perfect cigar; place in a Lucite case to be smoked upon one’s deathbed
Master the art of single-tear cry
Master the art of removing a front-clasp bra with one’s toes
Learn to make the deadliest cocktail, the Dank and Steamy
Serve a Dank and Steamy to Norman Mailer’s ghost
Defend a lady friend’s honor by employing a rear naked choke
Learn the difference between a fedora and a trilby
And also a homburg, why not
Spend at least one year’s salary on a bottle of Scotch
Put one’s faithful dog of twenty-three years down, but only after staring long into its eyes and reaching an understanding
Write an essay on euthanizing the dog and sell it to the Paris Review
Learn how to say “humidor” in twelve languages
Climb every mountain, ford every stream; but you know, in a manly way, not the way that a nun would
Locate and purchase the car in which you were conceived
Rebuild transmission of said car
and present it to your dying father as a gift upon the anniversary of your mother’s death
Sit a while in absolute silence in the passenger seat as your father runs his trembling, spotted hands over the walnut burl dashboard before switching on the radio
Listen to “Reeling in the Years”
Wait, that might be a little too on the nose, let’s make that “My Old School”
Upon the death of your father, drink the bottle of Scotch in a single sitting and crash the car into the first tree you successfully climbed as a child
Fix car and sell on EBay for a profit
Learn to express one’s feelings by not saying or doing anything
